Well I decided to make a story that will explain the origin of Shauni, High priest of DomZ and lots of stuff. I warn you that most of my stories are pretty dark ones with a lot of violence, philosophy and are often little bit nihilistic.... I URGE you comment, because your comments CAN make the story better!!!

Chapters:(I will probably change them but here the "plan")
1) The Origin
2) The Birth of the Despair
3) The Wake-up Call
4) Good and Evil
5) Bloodthirstier
6) Deal With The Devil
7) Servant of Darkness
8) The Terror
9) The Order
10) Wrathchild
11) Birth of Green princess
12) The Search
13) Age of Innocence
14) Better Days
15) Catch 22
16) The Unknown Future

I will TRY to keep the story short :lol:...
It will probably progress slowly because of my lack of free time, so be patient, comment are like a SAID welcomed and encouraged (even the negative ones).
I will in meantime read all of fanfic because I didn't read it all :'(....
Sorry about the bad english :(....

Your favorite madman, The Infidel.

OK today during the class (hehehe) I wrote 2 pages of story.
Don't expect something superb and totally awesome, because this is the FIRST time I am actually writing something "serious" in English so grammar will suck, A LOT :lol:
And here it is:

Beyond Good And Evil: Origins


Chapter 1: The Origin

The universe. Endless space. The only thing truly eternal. And in it, in one point in all that space and time, there is a was a little planet and two ugly creatures living on it. They may look ugly, but they are the happiest creatures in the universe, both of them are empowered by a planets energy. The planet itself was intelligent but it didn't posses conscious, it wasn't aware of itself yet it was intelligent. Both creatures were created by the planet but not at once. The first one created was the "male", the male one was alone for a long time, so he talked to the planet and the planet created him a mate, a companion. He was unaware that this event will start the chain of event that will change the universe largely. When she was created, he felt the first spark of love and happiness in all of his life. And those two ugly creatures were happy, bound together like one, like the unity of differences they were perfectly happy. But everything has to end. He will never ever forget that point in time when they arrived. It doesn't matter who they were. They came in the ship and took her in it for study and analysis, but she died. The crew left her corpse on the planets surface... He thought that she was still alive that she is just sleeping. But that sleep lasted for several eons, the planet told him that she is dead but he didn't know what dead is. That creatures in all their innocence didn't knew no death, no pain... But with time he understood, she is gone, she is forever gone...She Is Dead. In that very moment he felt pain so great, that no one in universe could ever say: "I've suffered more than you". The pain ate him, leaving him in total nothingness, in despair, in DARKNESS.....



If you find any kind of error please TELL ME!!! :)

The universe. Endless space. The only thing that is truly eternal. And in it, in one point in all that space and time, there was a little planet with two ugly creatures living on it. They may have looked ugly, but they were the happiest creatures in the universe, both of them were empowered by a planet's energy. The planet itself was intelligent but it didn't posses conscious, it wasn't aware of itself, yet it was intelligent. Both creatures were created by the planet, but not at once. The first one created was the "male", and he was alone for a long time. He talked to the planet and the planet created him a mate, a companion. He was unaware that this event will start the chain of events that will change the universe largely. When she was created, he felt the first spark of love and happiness in all of his life. And those two ugly creatures were happy, bound together like one, like the unity of differences they were perfectly happy. But everything has an end. He will never, ever forget that point in time when they arrived. It doesn't matter who they were. They came in the ship and took her for study and analysis, but she died. The crew left her corpse on the planet's surface... He thought that she was still alive, that she is just sleeping. But that sleep lasted for several eons and the planet told him she was dead, but he didn't know what death is. Those creatures in all their innocence did not know no death, no pain... But as the time passed, he understood, she was gone, she was forever gone... SHE IS DEAD. In that very moment he felt pain so great, that no one in the universe could ever say: "I've suffered more than you did." The pain ate him alive, leaving him in total void, in absolute despair, in THE NEVER ENDING DARKNESS...

As you can see my friend (from school, from the same class) has corrected the text so you can also comment on his and mine version of story .:)
I liked it, it's little more spicy than mine :D...
He didn't played the Game (INFIDEL!!!!!), but I will force him to (Buhahahaha!!!! Hypnosis always works!)....

I also admit some mistakes that I made, so thank you Fras for correction.... :D

Mmh, interesting idea. It sounds to me like one of those old myths explaining how something came to be or why it is like this. And yes, the version of Fras is a bit better than yours. ^^

There are few stylistic and grammar things I noticed (I took Fras's version):
They may have looked ugly, but they were the happiest creatures in the universe, both of them were empowered by a planet's energy. The "were" before "empowered" is not strictly neccessary and the sentence would sound better.

P.S. I'm not sure about the meaning of this sentence: Does it mean they have the energy of the planet that created them or have they both their own energies rivaling those of separate planets?

He was unaware that this event will start the chain of events that will change the universe largely. Both of you (^^) skipped several times from past to present - even though you give a hint about future events, you'll have to stay in the past tense since the point of view lies in the past.

First I would like to thank you for you comment. The point of the story indeed was to sound like an old myth and to possible explain situation before the BGE.

Now about grammar and style: It sucks, A LOT. So I urge everybody to post your "versions" (read: the versions without grammar and stylistic errors) of my story, just don't change it too much (nothingness => void, acceptable). I was thinking of rewriting the chapter to remove the grammar and stylistic errors. And I probably will.
And here is answer to you question: The energy is shared between them, it's collective. :borgbanana: :borgbanana: I will include this explanation in new "version" of story...
P.S. I have wrote the chapters 2 and 3 but first I will take care of errors in them and chapter 1. So be patient :D :D :D....

Beyond Good And Evil: Origins


Chapter 1: The Origin

The universe. Endless space. The only thing that is truly eternal. And in it, in one point in all that space and time, there was a little planet with two ugly creatures living on it. They may have looked ugly, but they were the happiest creatures in the universe, and both of them were empowered by a planet's almost infinitive power. The planet itself was intelligent but it didn't posses conscious, it wasn't aware of itself, yet it was intelligent. Both creatures were created by the planet, but not at once. The first one created was the "male", and he was alone for a long time. He talked to the planet and the planet created him a mate, a companion. He was unaware that this event will start the chain of events that was going to change the universe largely. When she was created, he felt the first spark of love and happiness in all of his life. And those two ugly creatures were happy, bound together like one, like the unity of differences they were perfectly happy. But everything has an end. He shall never, ever forget that point in time when they arrived. It doesn't matter who they were. They came in the ship and took her for study and analysis, but she died. The crew left her corpse on the planet's surface... He thought that she was still alive, that she is just sleeping. But that sleep lasted for several eons and the planet told him many times that she is dead, but he didn't knew what death is. Those creatures in all their innocence did not know no death, no pain... But as the time passed, he understood, she was gone, she was forever gone... SHE IS DEAD. In that very moment he felt pain so great, that no one in the universe could ever say: "I've suffered more than you did." The pain ate him alive, leaving him in total void, in absolute despair, in THE NEVER ENDING DARKNESS...

Here's the little modified version.... Fixed some errors...

Chapter 2: The Birth of the Despair

Eons passed... Total void has devoured him completely.. His life and existence in the universe was meaningless, his beloved is DEAD. The collapsed on itself, the bond is broken, his beloved is DEAD. He shall never fell any joy or happiness for all of his eternal life, his beloved is DEAD. He will never join her.... SHE IS DEAD....FOREVER AND EVER.... He looked at the stars, but the only thing he saw was void, the nothingness, the emptiness, THE DARKNESS, THE DESPAIR, THE CHAOS, THE EVIL... They drove him mad, dark rage has filled him completely... IT'S OVER, HIS BELOVED IS DEAD...

IT'S OVER.....


IT'S OVER....


IT'S OVER....


HE SHALL SEE HER NEVERMORE, NEVERMORE, NEVERMORE.......


NEVERMORE.....


And in his mad mind he created the plan..... The ultimate plan... His existence then had meaning... He was planing DESTROY EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING, NOTHING AND SOMETHING... He was planing to destroy the universe... The universe was guilty of killing her, HE WAS GUILTY!!!!! HIS VENGEANCE WILL BE DONE!!!!

The despair that has been born, has grown to idea of total annihilation.... And he knew where to start....

He tamed the will of planet, he forced the planet to transfer the power and itself into his mind. They became one... But his personality and evil has defeated the planets will... He tamed his creator, his God, his guardian.....

Nothing was sacred to him... Not even his creator....

He was waiting...For the moment... For the chance, for the WAKE-UP CALL....

Just to mention... They are not "errors", they are "mistakes" :)

Chapter 3: The Wake-up call

The child of light has tranced to the Darkness...

The child of darkness had a plan...

He has been waiting...

He has been waiting for the moment, when he shall execute his vengeance, his plan...

And he has been waiting and waiting.....

The moment came.
He spotted the ship.
They took him into it.
They took the bait and open the portal for the Darkness to come trough....
They tested him like his beloved.
He used the planets intelligence to learn from ship's computer.
He found all about killing, about planing, about EVIL....
He broke from his pathetic prison...
He killed half of them...
He killed the rest after he tortured them...
He was momentarily satisfied, his revenge has been done, but his eternal vengeance has just begun...
He took the ship...
To new bloodshed....
To create more mayhem...
To be the divider who will bring the despair to the others.....

Galaxy shall burn, void shall rule because he is the ANTI-GOD!!!! He shall undo everything and anything, nothing and something!!!

He laughed like a madman, like he was demon....

Everybody will tremble before his wrath!!!

End of chapter 3.

Comment, people comment.....

Whatever.... <_<

Chapter 4: Good and Evil

He used the ship to lure the ones who were foolish enough to believe the lies he was telling. He was like a plague that destroyed everything it touched. But killing the crews and using the ships to lure the others was only a small piece of his plan. He wanted to get the blueprints that would allow him to raise the army of genetically altered monsters that should serve him to the end. So he did what he was best at, he was patient, he waited for the moment when this would be possible. Then..Then...Then he would annihilate the murderers, the defilers, her KILLERS. They were EVIL.

One day the time had come [the past perfet of "come" is "come"]: He assaulted the science ship. The poor scientists had no chance, like everybody else, he killed them all. But before this, he had sucked their brains out to learn the secrets of genetics and bioengineering. He had accurated knowledge to create the army. He was so sure of his plan that he wasn't aware what happened to the planets intelligence when he sucked the brain of one female scientist. The young scientist's conscience had effected the planets intelligence, giving it the gift of awareness. To honor the sacrifice of the scientist, it has become she. The planet has become a creature that has conscience and feelings. The planet was she. The God had become the Goddess. But she was still weak minded and unable of resistance against her's foul creation. So she waited, hiding actively, waiting for the moment when she would be able to destroy the demon.

Two worlds inside one mind, The Sane and The Insane, She And He...


The Good One And The Evil One.

The end of chapter 4.

Well did you liked it? Comment! Found some mistakes? Tell me!

Special thanks to: Priestess Shauni (for correcting the mistakes, posting comments, questions and for her support) and Woden (for ideas, support and comments) You all :rulez: !!!!

Chapter 5: Bloodthirstier

The knowledge he had accurated had been used to create the most terrible of creations, his army of Darkness, the DomZ. The name was inspired by the name of his first victim, the first pawn that he removed from the table. The one who called himself The Doom Zorro. Truly foolish human.

The army was powered by the life force of the their victims.
His plans' gears were beginning to turn faster as his army stared to grow larger and larger.

The first planet fell, then another, then another....

When had he collected enough life energy, he created the terrible, vile and foul monster and 10 meters high demon - The Bloodthirstier. His purpose was to follow the will of his dark master and creator - The High Priest of DomZ - the form that the once ugly but happy creature had transformed to.

His only order was to destroy the ones who could resist his master and to make larger army from the souls of the victims.
His will had been done.

The Bloodthirstier brought chaos and annihilation to every who opposed. Resistance was futile. They were all undone, destroyed. So many hope had been lost, yet so many despair had been born. The Bloodthirstier was truly evil itself.

His plan went perfectly, he was laughing madly all the time. He was truly mad.

The plan was perfect until some changes occurred....

_______________________________________________
Special thanks to: Priestess Shauni (for correcting the mistakes, posting comments, questions and for her support) and Woden (for ideas, support and comments) You all :rulez: !!!!

Chapter 6: Deal With The Devil

It was usual day. Just another day in his mad campaign, he invaded some ordinary planet in some ordinary star system. But then his servants found something...Something wonderful!

An artifact....

Servants brought it to their "God". As they moved the artifact he sensed great power... An evil power. The power he wanted to have! He opened the artifact.

In that moment some kind of spirit jumped out. He looked more like a demon than a sprite...

So you are the one? - said the sprite.

Who are you? - the High Priest of DomZ asked

I am Tatus The Malevolent, messenger of the one true God! - Tatus shouted - The Dark God, the one that want to make pact with you.

A pact? - said the priest

Yes a pact with the Dark God! - shouted again Tatus - The pact that will make your dreams come true!

Dark God seek only one thing. Total destruction of universe! - said Tatus - You can see that you interests are close.

Dark God has a proposal, he want you to be his tool of destruction, in return he shall give you more power! Imagine! With more power you could bring more foes down, you could undone the universe! - almost fanatically shouted the Tatus.

He wants a pact with you. You kill in his name and he shall give you more power. - said Tatus.

Is that all? Is it so simple? - asked the Priest with great excitement

Yes. That is the only thing he asks from you, no limits, no restriction! - said Tatus - You will still have free will.

Tell your God that he has a deal! - said Priest

Excellent! - Tatus replayed. - We have a deal!

And then he vanished.... The High Priest of DomZ felt that his powers are just beginning to grow and that we will be the most powerful of all!!!
_____________________________________________________

The madman has become the servant of Darkness....

The despair that has been born, the idea of total annihilation, has evolved to total heresy against logic and reason. The pleasure of killing became the reason for more blood to shed.
The image of her has been replaced by darkness. The vengeance ended that day, from that day he fought for his evil dream... He is a Servant of Darkness...

Well I made some modifications to chapters 5 and 6 because they sucked so please reread them. Also I wrote the chapter "Birth of the Green Princess" but it will come after the chapter "Wrathchild" (some order has to be respected). Thank you for reading.

Good idea for a story.

In a pretty straightforward style we see the transformation of innocence into evil ->i like that but you should go a bit more into the transformation, it was somehow short. So you would play with the boundary between innocence and evil which would be pretty nice to see....
just my opinion, dude :mememe:

You should also consider to write a poem about this story when you've finished it


EDIT: Wow, this sounds a bit different than i meant: with straightforward i meant direct, not simple!

Like I said, I'm gonna review your new chapters.^^ I marked the bigger changes I did with red.

Chapter 4: Good and Evil

He used the ship to lure the ones who were foolish enough to believe the lies he was telling. He was like a plague that destroyed everything it touched. But killing the crews and using the ships to lure the others was only a small piece of his plan. He wanted to get the blueprints that would allow him to raise the army of genetically altered monsters that should serve him to the end. So he did what he was best at, he was patient, he waited for the moment when this would be possible. Then..Then...Then he would annihilate the murderers, the defilers, her KILLERS. They were EVIL.

One day the time had come [the past perfet of "come" is "come"]: He assaulted the science ship. The poor scientists had no chance, like everybody else, he killed them all. But before this, he had sucked their brains out to learn the secrets of genetics and bioengineering. He had accurated knowledge to create the army. He was so sure of his plan that he wasn't aware what happened to the planets intelligence when he sucked the brain of one female scientist. The young scientist's conscience had effected the planets intelligence, giving it the gift of awareness. To honor the sacrifice of the scientist, it has become she. The planet has become a creature that has conscience and feelings. The planet was she. The God had become the Goddess. But she was still weak minded and unable of resistance against her's foul creation. So she waited, hiding actively, waiting for the moment when she would be able to destroy the demon.

Two worlds inside one mind, The Sane and The Insane, She And He...


The Good One And The Evil One.

I mostly replaced the present and present perfect tense verbs with their fitting past/past perfect forms amd corrected some minor spelling mistakes.
P.S. Why was the planet "awakened" by the woman's mind? Was she in anyway special or were there just no other female scientists and it was because of her gender? The latter option would be a fitting twist to the first chapter.


Chapter 5: Bloodthirstier

The knowledge he had accurated had been used to create the most terrible of creations, his army of Darkness, the DomZ. The name was inspired by the name of his first victim, the first pawn that he removed from the table. The one who called himself The Doom Zorro. Truly foolish human.

The army was powered by the life force of the their victims.
His plans' gears were beginning to turn faster as his army stared to grow larger and larger.

The first planet fell, then another, then another....

When had he collected enough life energy, he created the terrible, vile and foul monster and 10 meters high demon - The Bloodthirstier. His purpose was to follow the will of his dark master and creator - The High Priest of DomZ - the form that the once ugly but happy creature had transformed to.

His only order was to destroy the ones who could resist his master and to make larger army from the souls of the victims.
His will had been done.

The Bloodthirstier brought chaos and annihilation to every who opposed. Resistance was futile. They were all undone, destroyed. So many hope had been lost, yet so many despair had been born. The Bloodthirstier was truly evil itself.

His plan went perfectly, he was laughing madly all the time. He was truly mad.

The plan was perfect until some changes occurred....[COLOR=red]

Thank you all for your comments!

Woden thanks for your comment. I shall focus more on transformation from good to evil in next chapter "Servant of Darkness".

Chapter "Birth of the green princess" is a poem, well sort of. Thank you for idea, I shall write the poem at the end of the story.

P.S. If you want to I could mail you and Priestess Shauni "The Birth of the Green Princess". Just don't post it. :D

Priestess Shauni I can't thank you enough! You are really awesome!!! :rulez: I have a lot of problems with grammar and tenses, so I can't thank you enough for the corrections... I shall replace the old chapters with your corrected ones and add a special thanks including you!

Well, the planet was accidentally awakened. When he assimilated the minds they had to go thought planets intelligence too. So the planet was probably awakened when it sensed something familiar, something that was reminding it of old ages. That something was her, the other ugly creature. It maybe took female personality in hope of calming down his evil creation. Thous making that situation strange and bizarre (don't worry the story will get more bizarre :sinister: ). I will include this explanation later in the story. Questions like this one makes my story better so please ask if you didn't understood something.

Q: Is the story predictable?
Q: What do you think of story? Is it good?

Q=Question
A=Answer
SA= Sincere answer

Q: Is the story predictable?

A: Sort of. We all played BGE... :lol:
SA: It is not predictable altough i think that we've seen shauni here. But how it will lead to the game story, no idea -> that's why not predictable

Q: What do you think of story? Is it good?
A: It's evil. That's a plus. :evilflames: It doesn't have a real villain, but more a pitiable creature that lost it's way
SA: You've laid out a fine idea and put passion in it. Keep going and write new stories after this one, just keep writing! Do i make myself clear? :bottomsup:

keep rolling
cheers

Yes sir! :mash:

Chapter 7: Servant of Darkness

The preparations for phase jump are complete...
Excellent....
He gave signal to start the hibernation and to start the phase jump to another world.
Estimated time to another world is 2 days.

5....
4...
3..
2.
1

Ignition.

Everybody were instantly frozen. Everybody on DomZ capital ship were dreaming.
Even did he. His dreams were always of past... About the eons he spent with her, about the age of innocence...
Before the world collapsed. Before the injustice. Before this hell....
In his dreams he knew... He knew that this things that he is doing are terrible.
He knew that he is now evil. He is pathetic, vile, evil creature... Deep inside him he knew... He is still the good guy but he masked his pain with his new face, his evil.
He stands in the emptiness... There is nothing else... He died once and then he committed suicide... His inner mind is a wasteland, a land without hope... He killed god. The creator. The one that kept him from all the pain... Except one... The fatal one...
He often asked himself why? Why? Why? Why? Why is so easy to become evil, to be corrupted? He made the deal with the devil... Nobody knew who is the dark god but he knew....
The dark god is himself.. It was all a hallucination... In his mind he made a deal with his dark side... Is there a way back from this damnation? Can he redempt for his sins? Will he ever.... The whole world went black.. The pain is back...
He wanted to be stopped. He wanted to be killed. He doesn't like himself anymore. He doesn't feel anything. He is dead inside. He wants to die. Now he understand why eternal life is damnation. He wished that he live only 10 years... Only ten years with her and then death without this pain.
That is his biggest fantasy. That is his only fantasy. To travel back in time and stop this madness. To see her again...
He cried. But his tears were lost in rain of sorrow he caused... No mercy for him. He is truly damned forever. He has nothing to lose. And nothing to gain. The tears were falling down...
He is abomination. A servant of darkness.

Phase jump is complete.
Everybody is waking up...
So is he... But he doesn't remember anything...
He is true servant of darkness. Truth is in him... The salvation is in him...But he refuses to see it and face it...

New victory awaits him in this pitiful star system...
_____________________________________________
Finally here is an update to my story, I hope you will enjoy it. And taste the hell that he (and I) is going through...
Comment are more than welcomed, and if you find any mistake(s) please don't be lazy and tell me...

I like how it starts... it puts you in the middle of a routine-jump to a solar system. Everything is like usual and there is this creature that started it all in the midst of all that routine who wants to fight it.... awesome.

you're getting darker with your story and you describe way more than in the beginning. I like how your style evolves

P.S. check your Inbox...

I'm glade that you liked it. It's maybe a little bit emo :ahh: (which definitely wasn't my intention) but I think it's ok...

Next chapter will be more detailed and a lot more brighter than this psychological bulls*it :P

P.S. I read your email. :P

I really like your new chapter. It's nice to see something positive about the creature (haven't got a better name) still inside him, although he can't make himself doing anything. But this torn between actually wanting to change something and yet not doing it because it's easier to continue like before is a really realistic insight of how feelings work.
And you've made some great progress in writing. :)

Thanks. I can finally write decent stuff in english now. And I must admit that my writing skill is better by the day.... :)