This is only the first chapter so it's not that action packed. critique is much apperciated! :D

Disclaimer: All characters and universe in Beyond Good & Evil belong to Ubisoft so please don't sue me!

Beyond Good & Evil 2

Chapter 1 "DomZ Matter"

Jade and the kids are rebuilding the lighthouse.

Jade: I wonder where Pey’j is?

Pey’j casually walks out of the lighthouse

Pey’j: Hey Jade is it ok if you come down here for a minute?

Jade: sure

Jade climbs down the ladder leaning up the side of the lighthouse

Jade: What’s up? Hey what happened to your arm?

Pey’js arm is all wrapped up in white bandage tape.

Pey’j: That’s what I wanted to talk to you about. (Pey’j whispers) I have DomZ matter stuck to my arm cough cough you gotta….get me…to…Iris base…cough

Pey’j passes out

Jade: Pey’j! Fehn, help me get him to the hovercraft!

Jade quickly zooms into the Pedestrian District and gets into the Iris Network base in time before Pey’js condition worsens. The green mass fell off Pey’js arm quickly after the vaccine was injected into his arm. It fell to the floor with a squish. Hann picked it up with a set of large tongs and put it in a jar filled with some clear liquid.

Hann: Chico, put this in the laboratory for me, thanks. Pey’j are you feeling better?

Pey’j: Yeah…Thanks for getting me here so fast Jade, if it wasn’t for you and your wreck less driving chuckle …you know.

Jade looks down at Pey’j with a caring smile on her face.

Jade: C’mon you old fart lets get outta here. Thanks again Hann.

Hann: Anytime Jade.

Chico: Yo… Hann, all this jar is gonna do in the “Lab” is sit there next to the Christmas decorations until next year. Why don’t I just give it to Jade, she can drop it off at the Science Center?

Jade: I can do that if you want.

Hann: Errr… sounds like a good idea.

Hann says goodbye to Jade and Pey’j as they leave for the Science Center with the Jar of DomZ matter in their possession. As they were walking back to the Hovercraft, Jade was stopped a lot of times by neighborhood locals for photographs, autographs, or just to thank her for saving Hyllis. They eventually got back to the Hovercraft and headed off towards the Science Center.

As they were driving, Jade started to have another vision as her eyes started to glow a dark jade green.

(In Jade’s Head) Disembodied Voice: Shauni…. Shauni….

Jade sees a man walking down the street, then out of nowhere he starts to have a coughing fit. It gets so bad he starts to choke and passes out. Then another scene starts to flash through her head. The Governor is making some sort of speech but is attacked by Alpha Sections. Then another scene . A man hiding in the shadows, only his silhouette can be seen. Jade could sense he was great evil and somehow, knew her….

Shadow man: Jade…..Jade….. Jade….

Pey’j: Jade, Jade, anyone in there?

Jade: What? Huh?!

Jade blinks a few times as her eye color returns to it’s normal green.

Pey’j: Another one of those Shauni visions?

Jade: Yeah… another one of those Shauni visions…

To be continued…

Yay, first replay!

You wanted critique? You get critique!

First off, try to be more descriptive to the areas and whatnot. Sure, we all know what the Lighthouse looks like, but give us something to help us paint the picture in our heads and not leave us alone in the cold. And I mean that in every part. Don't just say "Pey'J fainted". Say "His breath was quickening, his voice fell into a whisper, his vision blurred, and he eventually lost consciousness." The visions part would've benefitted greatly from this. Sure, I can't really speak much, since I'm no descriptive genius, but at least I try my darnest.

Second... you got a serious continuity error right here. Sure, it's fanfiction, but if since you're doing a sequelfic, you should keep in mind the events in the game you're basing this from. Case in point: The serum. In the game, when Mei gives Double H the antidote, they make it a point to say that it's the LAST dose. So... where's did the antidote for Pey'J come from?

Third... though all fanfic writers start off like this (Hell, I don't want to read my first fanfic anymore!), you really need to improve your skills. Some of your writing, for lack of a better description, is severly lacking. Read a book, notice the styles and descriptions, try to improve by example... Oh, there's nothing more I can tell you.

All in all, nice first effort, yet needs serious re-writing.

Yeah, the serum bit kinda struck me as well. Style-wise, I think this reads like a screenplay script rather than a story, with cues that the actors would interpret as they played the parts. Screenplay-style is a perfectly legitimate way of writing... just remember that not everyone who's reading it has the same mental picture that you do. I agree with Lightweight that a bit more description would be nice. Maybe not quite as much as his example, if you're going to stick with the screenplay format, but something to paint a picture in the readers' heads. One rule of thumb is show, don't tell - if you can make clear what's happening by describing it, then do that instead of just saying it.

Beyond that, I think it's a good start. Work on refining your writing, and most importantly, keep at it!

Whoops, sry guys it's been a while since i've played BGE so i don't remember every detail. Let's just say they got a second shipment of the serum in recently lol
Next time I'll make sure my information is accurate and I won't use the script-style of typing it. The next chapter will also be much more action packed.